Tips for Visiting New Parents
Having visitors in the early postpartum days and weeks can sometimes feel like a tricky thing to navigate, even more so when you factor in a pandemic! At a time when new parents are healing, bonding, and adjusting to life with a newborn, there can also be this expectation to provide space for friends and extended family to meet the baby. This may be very welcome for some or feel totally overwhelming and stressful for others. Having done this twice now, I’ve pulled together some suggestions for both the new parent(s) and guests on how to approach visits in the early postpartum period. Everyone’s needs will be a little different during this time, but my hope is that these suggestions, based on my own experiences, will offer a helpful jumping off point in figuring out what will work best for you. Read on for suggestions and tips for guests and for new parents.
To start, I think it’s helpful to frame this around what is going on with the birthing parent in the immediate days and weeks after delivery. They are almost certainly:
Bleeding heavily.
In pain and/or on pain medication.
Learning how to feed the baby (regardless of whether or not they already have children - each child and experience is unique). They may or may not be comfortable breastfeeding in front of visitors or they may be learning how to bottle feed and may not want an audience either.
Exhausted. It may be obvious, but just to reiterate, most pregnant people sleep very little in the days leading up to delivery and during labor itself. They then roll right into new parenthood on a serious sleep deficit.
Recovering from significant physical (and sometimes emotional) trauma. Again, seemingly obvious, but labor and vaginal or cesarean delivery takes a huge physical and mental toll. Proper rest and recovery is absolutely necessary. I don’t think we would expect someone who underwent a major surgery or other medical procedure to host guests in quite the same way that we ask of new parents.
Experiencing significant hormonal changes that may impact their mood, their body, and their mental health.
Still getting to know their baby and learning about baby’s needs and cues - it can be hard to focus on anything else beyond this at first.
Given all of this, expectations to host guests during the immediate postpartum period can seem a little insensitive at best. However, given that it is the norm, and depending on the parent(s), may be very welcome, here are suggestions for guests to help make visits more manageable for the new parent(s).
First off, how close are you to the new parent(s)? Are you immediate family or very close friends? If the answer is no, then you probably should not be in line to visit until well after the first month, if not longer. Everyone is different and some new parents may crave company, in that case, let them invite you over. Don’t ask when you can come. Phone calls, messages, emails etc. would be a great option to let them know you’re thinking of them in the meantime.
If you can’t meet the baby right away, don’t take it personally. Know that you will have plenty of time to build a special and lasting relationship with this new addition. Providing this time of seclusion (if they want it) to rest and bond with the new baby is one of the best gifts you can give a new parent.
BYOS (bring your own snacks) and let the new parent(s) know in advance that you’re planning to do so, otherwise they may stress about making sure they have food and drink to properly host you, which defeats the purpose of bringing in the first place. If you’re visiting during a mealtime you should plan to provide the meal.
Once you’ve figured out what day and timeframe is good for the new parent(s), give them an accurate arrival and departure time (e.g. I’d love to stop by for an hour to see you and the baby between 2 and 3pm.) Stick to the departure time unless they very clearly tell you they’d like you to stay longer.
If you haven’t already agreed on a departure time, be careful not to accidentally overstay your welcome. Keep in mind that these are not '“normal” times. They might be thrilled to have you there and to talk for hours, or they might want to take their bra and pants off, change their bloody pad, and ice their boobs and crotch. Be attentive to their cues if they are not the type to ask you to leave. Do they seem tired? Do they mention that the baby is hungry but don’t start the feeding? Is the baby fussy and is the new parent preoccupied? Are you approaching a meal time when the new parent(s) may feel obligated to feed you? These might be cues that it’s time to leave.
Don’t visit a new parent empty-handed. It doesn’t have to be extravagant - bring a coffee, a baked good, flowers or anything else you think they might like. There were a few people who did this for us and it stood out as being exceptionally kind at a time when leaving the house felt so challenging.
If you really want to level-up your visit and are looking for other ways to support new parents during this time, I have a few thoughts on that as well:
Offer to walk their pet or pet sit for a few days.
If they have other children, offer to take them to the park or other outing, or entertain them in the house.
Grocery shop for them. But, don’t just drop off a bunch of produce and meat and expect them to whip it into meals (unless you’re planning to do that for them). Basics like bread and cheese, fruit, snack foods, milk, coffee etc., on the other hand, would likely be appreciated.
Hire a cleaning service or offer to help out with cleaning or laundy. Tread carefully here to make sure it’s not construed as offensive. An approach like, “I remember how much I appreciated a clean kitchen when I (or my sibling, aunt, friend etc.) was a new parent or how quickly laundry piled up - I would love to take care of it while you rest with baby, do you mind?”
Offer to hold the baby (only if the new parent is comfortable - everyone is different when it comes to this!) so they can nap, shower, take a walk, eat - whatever they need.
I’m someone who needs these things clearly and firmly offered, probably more than once. I’m uncomfortable asking for or accepting help. If a friend or extended family visits, then my instinct will be to host them, rather than handing them the baby and taking a nap or a shower! As a guest it can be tough to strike the right balance between offering help clearly/firmly and respecting a new parent’s preferences. Giving some advance notice to help set expectations might help e.g. I’m going to come over to say hi and give you a break - I can hold the baby while you take a shower or I’m going to come over and I’ll walk your dog before I leave if that’s ok.
And now what can new the new parent(s) do to make sure that they are honoring their own needs during this unique, personal, complicated, and special time?
Firstly, create clear boundaries. Everyone’s boundaries will look a little different. Decide what is going to feel best for you during this time. Boundaries might sound like:
I’d love to see you in a week, but I’m really not up for visitors now.
I’m not ready to let others hold the baby yet, but you’re welcome to come over for a coffee and a chat.
All visits have to be outside and I’ll ask everyone to wear masks for the entire visit.
If your boundaries are controversial or offensive to potential guests, then I would argue that they are not the type of people you want around you during this particular time. Feel free to refer them to tip number two in the bullets above.
Secondly, clearly communicate your needs and ask for help. Full disclosure, this one feels really challenging to me. It could look like:
I would love 20 minutes to take a shower, would you mind watching the baby when you come over?
I’m dying for a ______ from ________and it’s been really hard to leave the house, would you grab one for me when you come over?
The dog needs a long walk and I’m so sore, would you walk her this afternoon?
Lastly, ask your partner or a support person to manage scheduling visits and enforce agreed upon boundaries. Rely on your immediate family to manage relatives’ requests/scheduling and to relay boundaries and wishes of the new parent(s).
And there you have it! As I said, everyone is different and what might feel right for you during this time might not feel right for someone else. At the very least, I hope that these suggestions encourage some reflection on how you want to manage guests during the immediate postpartum period (or maybe you can just ever-so-subtly forward this post to potential visitors). If you’re a friend or family member of an expectant or new parent, I hope this helps provide some guidance on how you might support them in the early weeks/months or new parenthood.
Thank you for reading and please let me know in the comments if you have any other considerations or tips to add from the perspective of either new parents or visitors!
Photo by Justin Warias (@justinwarias)